Dreams

It was a flurry of dreams on this, my 28th 7th. In some ways, 28 months have gone so so fast and in other ways it is hard to believe that my life was so wonderful so long ago.

Dreams have been usually good. Usually there is comfort in his presence and I wake up thankful that I got to see him. I know- sounds crazy and.....well......I just might be. I was on a plane going home the other day and I dozed off as we were getting ready for take off. Dozed off just enough to be in dreamland and hear the jet engines at the same time. In this state, we were planning to meet at the Smokehouse Provisions when I landed so we could grab some food and a beer before heading home. It seemed so normal- as if the past 28 months without him and he previous 12 months of us fighting for his life had never happened. He had never been there before so I'll text him when I land and we can meet there.

Then, I woke up. So upset with the reality. The reality that he had never been there because it opened exactly 3 months after the world with Reid closed.  I didn't fall apart or anything. I was sitting in a less than private place to fall apart- crammed into the window seat of a sold out plane. I had never had a dream like that- like I was back in my wonderful life excited for something so trivial as a local beer and some good food and the best company only to wake up and learn the cruel truth.

It does get easier. This all gets easier. But the surprises don't go away....or at least they haven't yet.

                                         

Further Away From Then

One emotion that has really caught me off guard is this desire for time to stand still. Most of this journey, I have wanted it to fly by- get me to a point where this is way behind me and I am doing ok again. But now, it's different. With each day, I am further away from the world that Reid was in. And I continue to be in disbelief that...............he doesn't exist. I should get it by now but every once in a while, I am blindsided by that reminder.

I recently had a work trip to the mother ship in Chicago. In the past several months, there have been many new people join the team- of course. That's how it goes when the world keeps on moving. I sat there in a meeting completely distracted by the fact that many of the people in the room don't know my story. They have never heard me talking about the house project that Reid and I worked on all weekend or how long we sat in the bleachers of the gymnastics meet on Saturday. They haven't seen pictures of the fish he caught or the delicious lamb he made. They don't know any of this because, in their world, he doesn't exist. They know that I am a single mother of two and they don't know why. Part of me wants to scream the truth. No, I am not divorced. No, the reason I adopted my girls is not because I gave up on the idea of a man in my life. No, I am not married and simply never talk about him. None of this. I am a widow. I hated that word the first time I heard it and have since learned to embrace it.  It is not a word that I want to bring sympathy but one that says I am pretty bad ass at pulling this whole parenting, working, home maintenance, yard work thing off daily. If the others knew this word, then when I talk about my brother-in-law having my girls over for dinner when I am traveling or my Dad picking up my daughter from school- they would admire the dedication of my support system. That one powerful word...widow....says so much.

I digress. They don't know this. They don't know me as somebody's wife. My new neighbors don't know a cul-de-sac where 70's music is blaring out of the garage while he is tinkering with his boat.....and singing loudly. His freshman students will graduate this year and the school will soon be full of kids who have never heard of him- ever. Xia's classmates have never known her to have a Dad....or just how much she adored him.

He doesn't exist and I want to be in the world where he does. I don't want to keep getting further away from it. I want time to stand still yet I also want to live this life like he wants me to. Balancing so much conflicting emotion- just another thing to learn to do.