My First Words of Advice- Day 6

Nearly one week after Alisa's loss, I sent her the following message about what her friend is likely feeling. I knew while I was writing it, this is what I needed to do.

"In this 6th day of her new life, she is almost to a major milestone- 1 week. She has had many small firsts already that many on the outside might not even see. She has possibly already developed new habits she doesn’t yet know about. I still sleep on his side of the bed. Not necessarily to be closer to him but, when I sleep on my side- the familiar side..my ‘old life’ side, the void is HUGE. And I learned he had the better side anyway. :)

She has possibly stepped out into the world on her own, the grocery store, the gas station, a walk, a movie...something that has exposed to her all of this fast moving life that everybody is living while hers seemed to have paused-yet it can’t. The first week, that might have been the first time I exhaled. Every Wednesday will be the reminder for a while- either a cruel anniversary or a milestone she has made it to. Mine were Thursdays.

She will graduate from Wednesday's, whenever her graduation day might be, and they will be less consuming. Then it will be the 1st of the month. I don’t know when she will graduate from that one- I haven’t yet. Today is my 16 “7th of the month” and I am feeling better about my progress but continue to be surprised by the intensity of all of this. I remember desperately wanting to fast forward months. Of course you can’t but, even if she could, she has to go through this transformation and sadly, it can’t be rushed. I tried to rush it. Fail.

I can make no promises about her journey and nobody can tell her how she “should” deal with it. I can promise she is forever changed. Don’t let anybody tell her “it never gets easier”. Cruelest thing I ever heard. “I am paralyzed in grief right now and you are telling me it never gets easier?!”. It does. His absence and the loss never ever ever goes way but your ability to live and breath through it will happen. I can promise that. Tomorrow will be her first week. First major milestone. She will be ok.

I promise."

Write it down

I have found myself over the last month replaying his last days over and over in my head. I feel like I don't want to forget anything...our last this...our last that. I feel like my body is helping me by replaying the week…...but it’s consuming my mind. I want to enjoy my girls, my family, my friends and share our story….not the story of how it ends but the story of how it was lived. The magic of our 23 years, 2 months and 19 ½ days. I can’t do that if I am not free to be free of his final days.

It also occurred to me that some of his “lasts” were some of his favorite so I thought I better capture them before I forget. It gives me comfort knowing this.

• Our last restaurant: Ox
• Last restaurant with best friend (Riesens): Mexican food (totally by accident but that is his favorite!!)
• Last home cooked meal: Lamb Chops
• Last home visitors: Ryan and Katie (delivering low sodium turkey sandwiches)
• Last TV show: Olympic Trials.
• Last glass of wine: Heitz Cabernet (Though the Zin is where we first fell in love with Heitz back when they were just a small shack in Napa- it's still delicious)
• Last beer: Rainier no doubt
• Last gift received: popcorn
• Last phone call (excluding nephrologist, hematologist and pharmacist)- Brother Dave

This is what I would share with anybody going through tragic times. For me, writing is therapeutic and I know that isn't the case for everybody. So, if that is you or somebody you are trying to help, then just write to document. If something is constantly replaying in your mind, pause and write it down. It really does seem to give you 'permission' to stop replaying it. Personally, I documented each day of our final week. As sad as it sounds, it really isn't. It reminds me of how much hope we still had. How many people were supporting us and still do.