Write it down

I have found myself over the last month replaying his last days over and over in my head. I feel like I don't want to forget anything...our last this...our last that. I feel like my body is helping me by replaying the week…...but it’s consuming my mind. I want to enjoy my girls, my family, my friends and share our story….not the story of how it ends but the story of how it was lived. The magic of our 23 years, 2 months and 19 ½ days. I can’t do that if I am not free to be free of his final days.

It also occurred to me that some of his “lasts” were some of his favorite so I thought I better capture them before I forget. It gives me comfort knowing this.

• Our last restaurant: Ox
• Last restaurant with best friend (Riesens): Mexican food (totally by accident but that is his favorite!!)
• Last home cooked meal: Lamb Chops
• Last home visitors: Ryan and Katie (delivering low sodium turkey sandwiches)
• Last TV show: Olympic Trials.
• Last glass of wine: Heitz Cabernet (Though the Zin is where we first fell in love with Heitz back when they were just a small shack in Napa- it's still delicious)
• Last beer: Rainier no doubt
• Last gift received: popcorn
• Last phone call (excluding nephrologist, hematologist and pharmacist)- Brother Dave

This is what I would share with anybody going through tragic times. For me, writing is therapeutic and I know that isn't the case for everybody. So, if that is you or somebody you are trying to help, then just write to document. If something is constantly replaying in your mind, pause and write it down. It really does seem to give you 'permission' to stop replaying it. Personally, I documented each day of our final week. As sad as it sounds, it really isn't. It reminds me of how much hope we still had. How many people were supporting us and still do.