Choices

17 months- you think you are done with setbacks. Wrong. They can still come and still be overwhelming.

This time, it was election day. I had taken Xia to gymanstics and went to the elementary school nearby to drop off my ballot. It was Walnut Grove elementary- the place of the heart attack in 2005. I realized I had never stepped foot in that school- the school where he left briefly and came back. I hadn’t driven by it since Reid was with me. There was something about walking into it….even if just so briefly. It just triggered emotion and the emotion didn’t seem to go away.....for a very long time. 

As I traveled through the weeks, so much has been happening. Arlo Reid was born. The Riesens have a granddaughter now. Sydney finished college. Xia had her first gymnastics meet without her Dad. We have since had 2 and they are emotional for sure. There is his birthday- today. I still have his ashes so the rest of his family cannot even go visit or bring flowers and this hurts my heart. I need to fix that. Every day and every milestone takes me further away from the time when he existed. I am not looking forward to New years- it just seem to be another step away from the world that brought me so much joy.

Even the little things- his domain name is expiring and I am not going to renew it. No more chefwebster.com- ever. For the first time in the grief journey, I would like time to stop. When everything is fresh in my mind. I have spent alot of time thinking about God or higher power or something. I have never spent so much time thinking about it and for the first time in my life, the idea of a God is the only thing that makes sense. It used to sound like silliness but now it seems like there is no explanation for the universe, the earth, how we all work together, new babies, our bodies….all of it. This doesn’t ‘just happen’. Something must be controlling this. I get very consumed with all of this.

 I continue to be consumed with his memory and with the idea he is with me. Sometimes the idea that he is truly nonexistent enters my mind and it’s simply unthinkable. I can chose to believe otherwise, I also chose to believe he steps in now and then and guides my decisions, my path, my heart.

Choices. They are there always.