An Apology

One thing that has really hit me right from the beginning was how, before, I didn’t get it- this grief thing. I feel like I owe everybody I have ever known an apology. I likely said really insensitive things- things I hear people say now. I don’t get offended because I know...they don’t get it.

I never ever knew how consuming it is to completely change your life. I thought of my friends and family who have gone through divorce. I am the first to say that divorce is different but in some ways it’s equally painful. I mean, really, what if Reid had left me because he wanted to live without me- that is just too much to comprehend.

I think of friends and family who have lost their parents and now I realize the void that must leave. I think of friends who have lost spouses long before I did. I just can’t believe they went through all of this so seemingly gracefully. Friends and family who have lost ex-spouses. I certainly discounted the level of grief they went through. If I seemed insensitive, it was unintentional. There is still a void, still an impact and, as a parent, there is still the job of guiding your children through their unique grief journey. I view the loss of the elderly differently now. I think there is a sense that “at least he had a good long life”....of course there is truth in that. But, my Grandma had to completely rewrite the only life she has ever known very late in life. Just because things fall in the ‘right’ order and even when the service is one of a celebration for a long life well lived, it is still difficult to adjust to your new world.

I didn’t get ANY of this. “Not a day goes by that I don’t think of <insert name>”. It rolls of your tongue so easily but I NEVER understood the truth in that. It is absolutely crazy.

Every.Single.Day.

I learned so so much while sharing my life with Reid. His perspective was unique and quite contagious. Now, I continue to learn from him and from the loss of him and continue to grow into a better friend because of it.