I had a dream the other night and Reid was in it. This doesn't happen often so I am pretty excited about it when he shows up. I was happy to see him....elated actually.....but, even in my dream, I knew it was temporary. I knew he couldn't stay and that shortly he would be leaving so I inhaled the moment. With this knowledge, I was sad but not devastated. This is simply how it is.
This is what I mean by "It does get easier". I have heard a million times how it doesn't and it is such a cruel thing to say to somebody in the throws of grief. I remember hearing that in the early days- the days when it was hard to even breath at times. Days when my mind would fail me at work and I couldn't do what once came so natural to me. And then I would hear, "It never gets easier" and it terrified me. It does get easier!!! That doesn't mean the memories go away or I stop missing him. It just means the grief becomes more embedded in who you are and you learn to live with it every day. In fact, you don't want it to go away and that is still a strange mystery to me.
When I woke up from my dream, he was heavy on my mind. I was thinking about the upcoming holidays, his birthday and his daughters sharing their current life stories with family. Then, I realized it was the 7th. It was my 40th 7th. 40 months. 4-0. It seems impossibly long and impossibly short all at once. I thanked him for showing up.
Heading into month 41, yes, I still think of him every single day and that baffles me. How does a mind have that kind of capacity? I still miss him terribly but my 41st month is much much better than my 4th.
I am no longer paralyzed by his loss but carry it with me every day. It's the source of my new perspective, his void sometimes makes me sad and his memories make me smile. It's part of who I am and it helps me really live in this one short life.
He wants me to.
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