Was it Sudden?

It was my first birthday without being treated like royalty as he always would do. My sister-in-law asked about the highlights of my last year-as she does at every birthday celebration. Usually, I love this conversation. Hmmm- It has been a crappy year. Worst ever. But...highlights....let’s see.

I have learned so much about myself. I have learned so much about grief. Recently somebody asked me about my necklace. I am still learning how to answer that question without the awkward shock to the asker. Her response when I told her it was my late husbands fingerprint- “Oh, was it sudden?”. The smart ass in me wanted to say “well, I guess so. I mean he was alive one minute and not the next”.

What an interesting question and why does it matter? I think in our culture it is some way to measure the level of somebody’s grief. How much do they hurt? How many times have I heard or even thought to myself “Oh, she was sick” or “it was a dangerous sport” or “they were separated”- all things to make us believe that the pain is somehow less in these situations. When Reid was sick, we always had the next thing to try, we always had hope. Never did we hear “there is nothing more we can do”. I have always been so thankful for that. I don’t know if I could have faced him having to face that level of certainty. But, wait, isn’t that easier on people? When they know and see it coming? I think my old self possibly thought that-how insensitive I must have seemed to people I adore! Let’s think that through.

Days when Reid would get news that a treatment wasn’t working or that the next option has bad side effects- that hurts.
When he was in tears “I don’t understand this. People are telling me it’s in God’s hands or that prayer works….if that is true, why does any God believe I deserve this?”. That hurts.
When he was learning he needed dialyses “Why did I survive the heart attack?”. “Oh Reid, that would have been horrible on us.”. “It would have been easier on me. This is not how I want this story to go”. Referring to suffering kidney failure……..again. That hurts.
He went to dialysis “I know why I survived the heart attack. To raise Sydney and Xia and I’m not done yet”. Fighting so hard for life you don’t have energy to live. That hurts.
Three grown men wondering why the baby brother has to go first. That hurts. Watching my 2 girls say their final good-bye much too soon in their young lives. That hurts.
Moving forward without him. That hurts.

In the final days, I remember thinking that those who lose somebody suddenly have it ‘better’. Their loved one was happy and healthy until the end. Of course, I know that is not true. Whether the loss is completely unexpected, totally expected or, in my case, somewhere in between the grief is paralyzing. I am forever changed….I am a better friend. I am in awe of the strength of those I know that have lost parents, spouses, children, friends - I never understood how amazing they are. I do now. I think I am better able to support others going through loss…..I think.

The most terrifying words I heard in my earliest darkest days in this new life was “It never gets easier”. It took my breath away. That was the final “advice” that drove me to call a therapist. Grief- a lifelong journey that changes you as you travel through it. It does get easier in the sense that I can function again. It doesn’t go away and, strangely, I don’t want it to. But carrying it gets more manageable. Some days are bad and I imagine they always will be. Good days do return. And it absolutely doesn’t matter how you got there. That’s what I learned in this year of my life. Next year, I want to keep learning and make a difference.