Sneaker waves- they aren't all bad

So, it's been 2 years and 10 months and in my previous life, the one where I thought I understood loss but had no idea, I would imagine all is well by now. In fact, I laugh at myself when I looked for grief support for my youngest daughter to help her adjust to life without a Dad and they said the program was a year long. What? A year long? I honestly was hoping to have this wrapped up in a couple of months. I wasn't thinking clearly and, frankly, had no idea what this road looked like.

So, last track meet of the season and my daughter was going to stay and watch her teammates and get a ride home with a friend. It had started raining so I decided to head back. I thought I would pick up a few things at the store so I could have a big pot of chili on the stove for my cold, wet and hungry teen when she got home.  I was seriously in a perfectly fine state of mind. I walked past the greeting cards and felt so on top of things. "Yes, I need to grab a graduation card for Ella", a friend's daughter finishing high school. I grabbed the card and continued towards the registers. But not without first passing the Father's Day Cards.

My heart sunk and suddenly could feel a wave of emotion forcing itself to the surface. I got through the checkout and to my car......and cried. It hit me. In, less than 3 years, I lost the love of my life, followed by his Dad and most recently, my Dad. This is a father's day where I have no Fathers left to visit. Of course, I will celebrate the uncles in my girls' lives but I will not be with their Dad. I will not be with my Dad......and this is NEVER going to change. Those last words...that blast of reality that, as an adult, I should be able to grasp is more overwhelming than I could imagine.

And the wave passes. I didn't like the wave but it was good for me. It forced me to pause. It made me remember that this is all a very big deal. It reminded me how final it is. Maybe somehow deep down, I have been waiting for things to change. I know that makes no sense but what does?

It forced me to give myself some grace.
And then keep going.