Happy New Year?

 I probably can't speak for everybody about how New Year's Eve/Day changes when you jump into grief but I suspect some may be able to relate. This is my fifth holiday without my life partner and my third without my Dad. Since we lost my Dad over Christmas, I don't really remember the first NYE. But I do remember the first without Reid and it caught me completely off guard. I am ready for it these days and it is certainly easier than the first. New Year's is more than a day- it's a step into a new time, a new year, new ideas and is another step further away from the day when life was so much different. Further away from the world which included his presence. It's kind of a cruel reminder that everything keeps on moving forward. 

I know people who are doing this day for their first time without a parent, sister, a wife or a husband. They, too, might be blindsided by this unexpected emotion of New Year's Day. So far, I can say that it never goes away but I can also say it does get better. That first year you are blinded from the good that did or will happen as you only have space for the grief that is now. 

I know people who are celebrating their daughter is cancer free. I celebrated my niece turning two and will hold my new nephew in just weeks. I was forced to spend every hour of every day with my youngest. She is tired of it for sure but I feel like it did something amazing to the unique relationship we already have. I watched my oldest try new experiences and new places. Her pandemic experience led her to her toddler who needs her. I got to meet that family and hear first hand the impact she is having. Her Dad is super proud, as is mine. Well, and of course, I am! 

Taking these steps away from the past- that feeling is still there and it's not a good one. But it doesn't overwhelm anymore to the point of missing what there is to celebrate. This year will be a good one and I am grateful to be here to do it. 

Grief doesn't go away but it does get easier to carry.